How NOT to Write a Prospecting Email

Email can be a great way to reach your prospects. But there are good emails and not-so-good emails. And then there are emails like this one.

I recently received this email from a local hotel. (As a speaker—and someone who produces some of my own seminars—I attend a lot of meetings-industry events, so I probably met somebody from the property at one of them.) The message is clearly an effort to begin a business relationship, but it…..um…..falls short. (All names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Please see below message, sent on behalf of Elizabeth Parker:

Greetings from The Ritz-Hilton Regency, Bedford Falls!

I would like to take a moment to introduce myself and my colleague. Myself, Elizabeth Parker and my colleague, Alan Madsen, will be your sales contacts for The Ritz-Hilton Regency, Bedford Falls. I am responsible for any groups located south of i-70 as well as the Western United States and Alan is responsible for anything north of i-70 or based in downtown Denver.

We would be honored and delighted to have the opportunity to earn your business. Please find attached a list of concessions that we are able to offer for any program of 15 or more rooms on peak, taking place between April and December during 2019 and 2020. Also attached is a fact sheet about our gorgeous resort and our meeting space.

We look forward to working with you in the near future!

Warm regards,

Elizabeth Parker
Director of National Accounts
The Ritz-Hilton Regency, Bedford Falls
8675 Heartbreak Ridge
South Park, CO 80001
(303) XXX-XXXX

Kindly,

Kim Eubanks
Group Sales Coordinator
The Ritz-Hilton Regency, Bedford Falls
8675 Heartbreak Ridge
South Park, CO 80001
(303) XXX-XXXY

What’s wrong with this email? Hmmm…..let’s see…..

1. Sent on behalf of?
Elizabeth couldn’t be bothered to send her own message? Or at least make it look like she did?

2. Not personalized
There’s no “Hi Don,” or “Dear Don,” or even “Yo, Big D!” Yes, of course it’s a form letter (I know that), but no one even made an effort to personalize it, which smacks of laziness. And no personalization equals no connection.

3. Not conversational
“Myself, Elizabeth Parker and my colleague, Alan Madsen, will be your sales contacts…” Who talks like this? An effective email is conversational in tone for easy reading and comprehension.

4. Grammar and punctuation errors
There are only a couple of mistakes, but even one can undermine the credibility of the writer. Have all sales and marketing pieces proofread before sending out.

5. “i-70” vs. “I-70”
Again, a minor error, but one that further tarnishes the professionalism of the sender. If you can’t be trusted to get simple details like this right, how can I trust you with my business?

6. Too many first-person references
Not counting the signature lines, there are 17 first-person references, including the name of the hotel, the names of the salespeople, and personal pronouns. Meanwhile, there are only three second-person references, for a nearly 6 to 1 ratio. In the wrong direction. Since “you” and “your” are the most powerful words in sales and marketing, you want to aim for a ratio of two or three second-person references for every first-person reference you use.

7. Speaking of the names of the salespeople…
The message introduces “Alan Madsen,” but the second signature features “Kim Eubanks.” What happened to Alan? Who is Kim? What’s going on here???

8. Nothing about my wants or needs
The message is all about the sender, as evidenced by the 17 first-person references. Well, I’ve got news for you: I don’t care what you would like, what you’re responsible for, or what would honor and delight you. I care about me, my business, and my people. Yet there’s not a word in here about any of those things.

9. No value
A great sales or marketing piece delivers value in some way. It might be news, tips, a checklist, a white paper, an interview, a webinar, a template, an invitation to an event, a free consultation, a buyer’s guide, or anything else that could benefit me or my company. But this email is devoid of anything like that. It just takes up my time and offers me nothing in return. Which is not a promising start to a potential business relationship.

How do your emails compare with this one? If you’re cringing a bit, the solution is to get some training for you and your team ASAP. It’s a valuable investment in your future sales. Because while email can be a powerful sales and marketing tool, it requires skill to use it effectively.

A great email causes your prospects to reply, call, or click. A bad one damages your image and hurts your chances of making a sale. Which are you sending out?