United Nations Bans Fruitcake

Just in time for the holidays, the United Nations has voted in favor of a major human rights initiative—to ban the manufacture, distribution and sale of fruitcake.

“Those who question the value of the United Nations need look no further than this action to see the critical role it can play in bringing diverse countries together to prevent human tragedy,” asserted UN spokesman Nick Landime.

The ban was applauded by more than two dozen human rights organizations, including Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, The Carter Center, the Islamic Human Rights Commission, and the World Organization Against Torture.

“It’s about time they’ve done something,” stated human rights activist Rob Berbarren. “For too long, the UN has stood by while billions have suffered needlessly.”

Critics of the United Nations have long accused the organization of dragging its feet, alleging the UN has secretly been in league with the so-called Bakery-Industrial Complex. In his press conference, Landime expressed hope that this ban would put an end to those rumors.

Landime also pointed out that with this single action, the UN is also fulfilling many of its other goals, starting with reducing world hunger. “The flour, butter, sugar and other ingredients wasted in fruitcakes each year could feed the entire Horn of Africa for a decade.”

“In addition, it will go a long way toward protecting the environment,” he noted. The UN estimates that approximately 147 billion pounds of fruitcake end up in landfills every year. As they decompose, their toxic byproducts can contaminate groundwater.

“And it’s an important step in fighting climate change,” Landime continued, referring to the well-established link between fruitcake production and global warming.

“At the end of the day though, this is about basic human rights—protecting people from torture and suffering.”

North Korea, Iran, and Myanmar were among the handful of countries to vote against the ban. Iran and Myanmar have both refused to allow UN inspectors to visit their bakeries and there is no reliable estimate of North Korea’s fruitcake-manufacturing capabilities.